So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize