I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize