if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
