i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
