bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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