Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
