dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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