My hand turned me down
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
