I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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