I wannas sexs uuuuu
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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