It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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