i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
