Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
