What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
