What did we do last night that was yellow?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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