I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
