How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I deserve this hangover.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
