I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
