I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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