somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
