his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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