I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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