Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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