He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
