I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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