what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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