If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
