he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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