Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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