I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
