That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
