So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
