that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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