okay pat passed out under dana's car
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
