Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
