what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
