Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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