i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
