i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
