cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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