The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
