Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
