She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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