It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
