I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize