I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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