I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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