drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You pole danced in your parka.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize