why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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