You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
