May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
