News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
