I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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