I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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