YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
