I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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