My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize