I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
