so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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