Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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