Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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