you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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