So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
