He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
